I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
