I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
