A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
