just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
