Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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