i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
