dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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