I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
