I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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