This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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