Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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