the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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