my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize