So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
