I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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