What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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