Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
