my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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