two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize