everyone is single if you try hard enough
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize