Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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