At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
