Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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