I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
