sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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