If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
