i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
