i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
ok first of all what the fuck
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
