the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
