You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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