I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
