Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
