There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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