I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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