Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
