My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
