You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
