the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
