dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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