You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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