This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
