I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
