We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
