Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
