Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize