he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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