I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
