so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
