And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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