if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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