I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Four minutes until I can fart!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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