I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
