he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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