tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
