mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
