was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
