im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
