when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize