I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize