i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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