Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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