It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
