Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
