Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
