Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize