I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
