I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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