Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
