Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
