Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
