Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Pants are for mortals
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
