There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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