My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This baby is an asshole
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize