you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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