swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
