Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
