she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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