Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
