I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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