I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
